There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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