I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
