i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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