the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
