in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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