you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
