at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
