wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
