if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
