So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I wish you could order shots online.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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