Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
