Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
