Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can Purell be used as lube?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
