dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
as a side note pls kill me
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
