Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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