yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
