lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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