I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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