I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
