Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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