it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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