consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
