my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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