He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
