I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
