I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
