my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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