There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
