I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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