There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
