I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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