You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
