Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway