im having a threesome with these popsicles
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.