I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance