I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
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i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome