remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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