Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
