Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
