I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
