hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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