All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
