god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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