found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
