I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
