i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
