Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
