THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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