I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
