Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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