I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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