I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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