So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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