let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
