I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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