OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you had me at cake vodka
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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