im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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