Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
