Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
May the power of my ass compel you!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
