I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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